OMG! (Like, Totally!)

May 6, 2008

As of today, I am officially the parent of a teenager.  A girl teenager.  A very pretty girl teenager.  I need a gun….

I am entering a phase of life during which I will become utterly clueless in the eyes of a child who once revered me.  I will be hopelessly unhip.  In fact, I already must be, since I can’t imagine that the word “unhip” has been in vogue since the release of “Hotel California.”  Oh, and my musical taste now sucks.  Once upon a time she thought it was cool to listen to not only the Beatles and the Rolling Stones and Little Feat, but also James Taylor and Bonnie Raitt and Sting.  Now, if the musician’s name is more than one word long, and if it doesn’t begin with a lower case letter and include a number and six consonants, it’s not worth listening to.

For the next several years, my very existence will be a source of shame and mortification for her.  I will be able to make her cringe simply by opening my mouth or saying hello to one of her friends; I will be able to embarrass her any time I want. (Okay, so maybe there’s an upside to this….)

The phone will no longer be ours.  Oh, Nancy and I will still pay the bills.  But none of the calls will be for us.  My daughter will point out that this is the perfect reason to buy her a cell phone, but I’m not sure we want to go there either.  She also wants a facebook page.  And one (or more) of those online IM accounts.  She’s already emailing her friends all the time.  She makes me swear that I won’t read her messages, but even if I did want to read them, I wouldn’t be able to make sense of what she and her friends write.  We are all destined to live in a world without punctuation, capitalization, or traditional spelling, a world in which phrases become an indecipherable series of obscure acronyms:  nvm, omg, idk, l8r, g2g. 

SMN (Shoot Me Now…)

And boys.  Good God, there are going to be boys.  Lots of them.  (Of course she had to get her mother’s looks — it would have been too much to ask that she be short and funny-looking and bearded like her Dad….)  Hence the gun.  It’ll have to be a shotgun.  Something I can be cleaning on the front porch as they roll up to the house for that first date.  I should probably get a hound, too.   And a rocking chair.  They all go together:  hounds, rocking chairs, shotguns.  Then again, I’m not at all sure that as a Jewish liberal New Yorker with an earring I’ll be able to pull off the “Dad with the Shotgun” thing.  I wonder what it costs to put landmines in the front yard and driveway.

At least the second one isn’t a teenager yet.  Then again, she’s 9 already.  And very precocious.  

God help me….

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6 Responses to “OMG! (Like, Totally!)”

  1. -bry said

    Trade the hound for a bullmastiff and/or a rhodesian ridgeback. It will now longer matter what you, personally, can pull off.

    Otherwise, you have my pitty.

  2. davidbcoe said

    Now you’re talking. Or better yet, a Norwegian Ridgeback — one of those dragons from Harry Potter! Nobody would mess with us then!

  3. Tina Parker said

    Ah, parenting a girl child who is a teenager. It boils the whole gun control issue down to using both hands to aim!

    Good luck, Dad! I am sure that your unhipness will be of very short duration!

  4. Alan said

    You need to get some camouflage gear and facepaint for when the boys arrive. Set up the front yard like a training camp with an assault course and stuff.

    When the boys arrive, act REAL pleased to see them.

    It’s all about reverse psychology with teenagers.

  5. Mark Wise said

    Just remember, “Leave me alone!” = “I need a hug, really.” and “I hate you!” = “I love you but I am trying to find my own identity.”

    Keep a smile on your face and know that it will hopfully only last 10 years.

  6. davidbcoe said

    Thanks for the good wishes, Tina. I’m sure that whatever challenges we encounter will seem to last longer than they actually do.

    Right, Alan! Kill ’em with kindness! Or at least scare the crap out of them with it!

    Mark, 10 years?! Can’t we keep it to five and then ship her off to college…? Thanks for the translations.

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