My Conference Call With Mitch and John

November 4, 2010

Mitch, John. It’s David.

I know you’re both really busy, but I just wanted to say congratulations, and I wanted to tell you that I think you’re doing a great job so far. No, really, I mean it.

Mitch, you might look like Yertle the Turtle, but you have got some cojones, my friend.

I said “cojones.” Sorry, I forgot that you guys aren’t really down with the whole Latino thing.

No, John, those are “calzones,” and that’s Italian. “Cojones” basically means “brass balls.”

And, Mitch, you’ve got them. I mean, here the Republicans have gained control of just one half of one third of the Federal government, and it’s not even your half! Yet, there you are, issuing threats and ultimatums to the President of the United States. That’s gutsy. And smart! There’s nothing the American people like more in their politicians than pretension and arrogance. Well done!

John, you deserve a lot of credit, too. That was some performance you gave Tuesday night in your victory speech. Who would have guessed that beneath that gruff, burnt umber exterior dwells the soul of a thespian.

“Thespian,” Mitch. It means actor. Yes, I’m sure it’s not a “gay” word.

But, John, let me give you a quick tip. Sure, people like it when political figures reveal their softer side. And yes that was some story you told about starting out as a stock boy, or whatever, and following the American dream to where you are now. Who’d have guessed that a guy could go from earning minimum wage to shilling for Big Tobacco on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives? Very inspiring.

Still, next time you might want to go with your “prideful humility” voice when talking about your resume, and save the waterworks for when you talk about your family. Otherwise, though, great job! Looks like you’re taking on the “Good Cop” role in all of this. Probably wise.

I also think that having Mike Pence out there talking like he’s been made king of the world is a nice touch. A counterpoint to the kinder, gentler you, and risk free, since no one likes him anyway. I hear he’s thinking of running for President in 2012.

Yeah, I thought it was hilarious, too.

Anyway, I should run, and you both have work to do. Enjoy yourselves and keep doing exactly what you’re doing. Two years is a long time in American politics; just ask Obama.

I knew you’d get a kick out of that.

Just make sure– Well, never mind. You’ll figure it out for yourselves.

Or better yet, maybe you won’t.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: